Not Going to Do It

This is the second post this evening...so if you didn't read the first one, I would recommend you do.  (I know...two posts in one evening!)

If you've ever gone through any fertility treatments then you've likely definitely googled every single person on the entire planet's experience with it.  You think I'm a bad facebook stalker?  Introduce Stalker Laura 2.0...the one that stalks everybody's day-to-day experience with embryo transfers.  Every single time I go through IVF or a FET (not that it's been a ton, but I'm up to #3 so cut me some slack!), I google the sh*t out of it.  Reading others' blogs and experiences is super comforting...makes you feel like you're not the only one out there...that there are actually people that get it 100%.  It's great when you read an entry and you think "that's EXACTLY" what I'm feeling (either emotionally or physically) right now.  It's great.  The positive experiences are the best to read about.

Anyways, so being the Stalker Laura 2.0 that I am, I just completed my nightly ritual of googling 8dp5dt (8 days past 5 day transfer).  One of the first blogs I read was from a lady who tested positive, and then started spotting, and then found out two days later that it was a chemical pregnancy.

So, to save myself a little bit of grief if I can...I've made my decision.  I will not be testing myself.  (Well, at least not tomorrow).  I'm going to try to make it to Monday.  Why ruin a perfectly good weekend?

8 Days Past

I'm humming and hawing over whether I want to pee on a stick or not.  Pros:  If I am pregnant, then I'll know.  Cons:  If I'm not pregnant, then I'll know.  I only want to test if it's going to be a positive...because until it's actually confirmed to be negative, then there's still the possibility that it has worked.

SIGH.

I wish I was a person to get a clear sign that yes/no I'm pregnant.  But I'm not.  One minute I think I totally am, and then the other minute I think I'm totally not.

At least if I knew then I wouldn't have to think about it all the time.  Wait...I probably would think about it all the time...just differenly.

SIGH.

There's no right or wrong way to go here.  I don't do well with grey areas...I'm a black and white kind of person.

But I just want one more baby.  That's it.  That's all I need.  More would be a blessing, of course, but I feel I need one more.  One more baby to completely dote upon so I can (try to) get my desire for a baby out of my system.  Yes, I always said I would be happy with just one...and then I got two...so I'm hoping it's not bad to say I need one more.  Not that I have any control over it.  I can say whatever I want but it's up to God.  I have a hard time giving control up.  Even to God.  Sigh.  You would think that I would be better at this by now.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.  If only pee sticks weren't so darn expensive!

Until I know the result I feel stuck in a rut.  I feel that I can't think about the future at all because it's a big cloud of unknown.  I hate that.

Anyways, I was hoping typing out this entry would give me a sense of clarity over what I should do...but it totally hasn't.  Maybe I should just wait the six more days until my bloodwork.  But six days is a long time still...                                                        

Second Throw-Up Experience

You're probably thinking...wait, didn't you just tell us last night that Matthew threw up?

Yes, yes I did.

But tonight, well, tonight Kayla wanted her turn.

EWWWWWWWWWWW.

After drinking her bottle and brushing her teeth, she came into the living room.  She started to make funny gagging noises, so I quickly put her in front of the coffee table and told her to just spit it on the table (ie. throw up on the table...but I figured she wouldn't understand what that meant).  She didn't want to, so I quickly picked her up (even though I'm trying not to at all as part of my 'taking it easy' lifestyle the next few days) and ran with her to the bathroom and made it to the bathtub where she proceeded to throw up.  And throw up.  And throw up.

And then she was fine.

Just like Matthew, it seemed that all she needed was a random throw-up and then she carried on like nothing happened (well, after she received her peppermint!).

Hopefully I'm done with the throwing up for a while!

22 Months Old!

Matthew:

Weighs:  23lb 8oz

Clothes:  Really starting to grow out of his 12-18month clothes and is moving into 18-24month/size 2 clothes.

New Words:
"Ba" for "Ball"
"Wee" for "Please".  SOO CUTE.  Can't deny any request, including those when he stands by our candy cupboard, when he asks politely.
"Mom"
"Dad"

Favourite Foods:
Candy
Chocolate
Juice
Starbucks
Grapes
Blueberries
Cheese
Canned Corn (Kernel)
Baba Ghanouj
Sausage

Is absolutely OBSESSED with the vacuum cleaner.  His infactuation with it started at David and Laura's place where we saw my mom do daily vacuuming.  Now, if you even mention the word 'vacuum' he runs to where it's stored (whether it be at our house or my parents') and wants you to vacuum.

Was absolutely horrible when it came to washing his hair.  Matthew and Kayla get their hair washed once a week, on Saturday mornings.  Matthew would be like a flailing wet newborn when it came time to wet his hair.  It took both Jon and I to wash his hair.  After a couple weeks of this behaviour, I started to bribe him with pink melting chocolate drops.  Kayla gets bribed as well.  Works like a charm. No more tears when it's hair-washing time!

Loves putting the soap packs in the dishwasher.

Knows how to do wooden puzzles.

Knows how to do zippers.

Bangs his head on the floor when he is angry.  Doesn't matter if it's carpet or tile.  If there's a floor, he'll bang his head.

Is in a "I'm going to poop just after I get put to bed so that my clean diaper is no longer clean and I get to come out to get changed" phase.

Has stopped his habit of not swallowing his food, thanks to my mom encouraging him to show her his empty mouth after every bite.


Kayla:

Weighs:  24lb 11oz

Clothes:  24month/2T


New Words:
Kayla's vocabulary has definitely improved this month.  Just as we suspected, she's just a slower developer in this area, just like my siblings and I.
"Ya" for "Ya/Yes"
"Peeze" for "Please".  SOO CUTE.  Can't deny any request, including those when she stands by our candy cupboard, when she asks politely.
"Mom"
"Dad"
"Yeye" for "Yellow" (her favourite colour to say)
"Pees" for "Pink"
"Oshe" for "Orange"
"Bwoo" for "Blue"
"Nana" for "Banana"
"Car"
"Cow"
"Bih" for "Bird"
"Moo" for "Move"
"Tzcheese" for "Cheese"
"Ju" for "Juice"
"Ine" for "Mine"
"Boo!"

Favourite Foods:

Candy
Chocolate
Milk
Starbucks
Grapes
Blueberries
Cheese
Canned Corn (Kernel)
Baba Ghanouj
Sausage

Loves putting the soap packs in the dishwasher.


Knows how to do wooden puzzles.

Knows how to do zippers.

Can match shapes.

Can find matching pictures when we play "Memory" (with the pictures showing).

Can find objects with matching qualities (ex. same shape, same colour, etc).

When Matthew is told to stop doing something, Kayla pretends she is going to do it but then shakes her head to say 'no'.

Is starting to become aware of what poo-ing is and will often tell you/say 'yes' when she's gone.

First Throw-Up Experience

It seems Matthew has caught whatever sickness I had last week and Jon had early this week...

EWWW.

He had been sleeping nicely when he started panic-crying.  I quickly sent Jon to check on him (I would have done it myself but I'm supposed to be taking it easy) and he came back reporting that Matthew had thrown up EVERYWHERE.  Pajamas?  Check.  Fitted sheet?  Check.  Blankets?  Check.  Bumper pad?  Check.  Crib skirt?  Check.  Carpet?  Check.  Yup, everywhere.  I took care of cleaning up Matthew while Jon took care of his bedroom.

After cleaning up Matthew I put him on the couch with a peppermint (because the after-taste of throwing up is absolutely nasty...even to a toddler I would imagine) and he watched hockey highlights while Jon cleaned and I contacted my mom to re-organize our schedule for tomorrow.  Can't have a sick Matthew hanging around Remy and Carly...don't want them to get sick!  Or is it too late?  Only time will tell.

Hopefully Matthew falls asleep again...he's standing in his crib crying.  I'm hoping to get a good sleep myself because I now have to go to work early (6am) rather than taking my time and going later (8:30am).

Frozen Embryo Transfer #2

Yes, there was a transfer, so yes, the embryo survived!

I don't really know what to say about this one.  Been there, done that.  Same process as last time.  Nothing new.

My appointment was for 12:15pm, but Genesis was running an hour behind schedule so the nurse kindly allowed me to pee a little to relieve my ever bursting bladder.  

When I was in the procedure room the doctor claimed that she was going to transfer a "beautiful embryo."  I wasn't sure if that was a standard comment to make or if it was actually beautiful, so I asked her.  :).  She said that it was not a standard comment and was indeed beautiful.  The lab technician told me that 95% of the embryo survived the thaw, which is the best they do (I assumed it was all-or-none, but apparently that's not the case.

The doctor and nurse had a little bit of difficulty getting the ultrasound to clearly show my uterus because they said my uterus was tilted back, but eventually got it and saw the embryo transfer.

Success rate is 50-60% for this transfer.

So...now I sit and rest.  Jon's supposed to be taking care of me...but he got super sick with whatever I had last week so he's been in bed all day.  Luckily my mom can watch the kids and she offered for us to be over for dinner.

Bloodwork will be done on Monday, February 4...so now we wait!!

December Pictures

I keep forgetting how easy it is to upload pictures even since Blogspot updated their uploader.  Seriously...this only took me like 5 minutes!!  Here's a taste of our December pictures...minus Christmas...there's just too many gift-opening ones to go through!

Watching the electric toy train go around and around the Christmas display at Port Kells Nursery.  Matthew loved it when we asked, "Where is it?" when it was hidden around the corner.

Helping Jon decorate the tree.

Kayla liked getting the decorations out...

...and Matthew liked passing them to Jon.

Hanging their "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments they received last year.  I hope to make it a part of our Christmas tradition to have them hang their own each year.

A spur-of-the-moment trip to Ontario to visit David & Laura, Remy & Carly.

Matthew ended up in our bed early one morning (sleeping just like his Dad!)...and then Kayla wanted to come in to which didn't work...so I brought her to the couch with me and she fell asleep...but I didn't.  I should have made Jon take her!!!  

I knew this outfit looked familiar when I put it on Kayla...so I checked some old family pictures from Jon's sister, Leanne, and sure enough, Rachel and Katelyn wore it!

Ultrasound

This entry is going to be quite short and sweet, due to the fact that I've either been laying in bed or throwing up in the toilet for the past 3.5 hours.  No clue where this sickness came from...it just appeared out of the blue at lunch time, and I held on until Jon finished cooking dinner before I retreated to my bedroom/bathroom.

Anyways, I went to Genesis this morning for an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining.  It's looking good - 11.4mm!  Unfortunately, Dr. Hitkari also noticed I have a large follicle in my ovary (16mm  in diameter) so I had to get bloodwork done to measure the amount of progesterone it's producing, if any.  The estrace I take each day is supposed to prevent my follicles from growing/releasing, so to find one is a bit of a shock.  If the follicle is producing progesterone, then this cycle is cancelled as the progesterone will interfere with the frozen embryo transfer.  If the follicle is not producing progesterone, then we can carry on with the procedure and the follicle will not be released at all.

I got the call around noon saying that my bloodwork came back fine, so we are okay to carry on.

So...

...my transfer is on Monday, January 21.  Yes, a few days earlier than I expected which messes up my plans for work/activities next week, but oh well, we'll make do.

Here's hoping and praying that our last little embryo survives the thawing process!

Here we go again...

I received a surprise visit from Aunt Flo today.  Was not expecting her at all...after all, I was only on cycle day 27.   27.  I don't think I've ever cycled less than 27 days before.  Ever.  I was expecting my period next week, not this week.  I'm assuming my shorter-than-normal cycle is still an after-effect of the failed embryo transfer and lighter period that followed that.

Anyways, I called Genesis to see if we still had the go-ahead to do our last frozen embryo transfer with this cycle, or if they wanted me to wait another one.  The nurse said that my shorter cycle is not concerning to them at all, and we are free to go ahead.  So, here we go again!  I'm definitely not emotionally/mentally prepared for this cycle at all....you know me, I don't do well with last-minute things...I like to have a plan always.  Although, maybe I am prepared for this emotionally/mentally because I'm 100% NOT counting on it working.  Praying to God that yes, it IS is will for this one to work, but definitely not expecting it to.  No sense getting my hopes up anymore.

Here's the timeline for this transfer:
January 2 - January 8 (Days 1-7):
2mg Estrace (estrogen supplement) taken twice per day (4mg total)

January 9 onwards (Days 8+):
2mg Estrace taken three times per day (6mg total)

January 15 - 8:00am:
Ultrasound at Genesis to measure my uterine lining

Sometime after January 15 (probably January 20):
1 Endometrin (progesterone supplement) tablet 3 times a day (vaginally), 2mg Estrace taken twice per day (4mg total)

Probably January 23 or 24:  Embryo Transfer!

Probably February 5:  Pregnancy test at Lifelabs

So, there we go!  It's going to be a LONG month again.