8 Days Past

I'm humming and hawing over whether I want to pee on a stick or not.  Pros:  If I am pregnant, then I'll know.  Cons:  If I'm not pregnant, then I'll know.  I only want to test if it's going to be a positive...because until it's actually confirmed to be negative, then there's still the possibility that it has worked.

SIGH.

I wish I was a person to get a clear sign that yes/no I'm pregnant.  But I'm not.  One minute I think I totally am, and then the other minute I think I'm totally not.

At least if I knew then I wouldn't have to think about it all the time.  Wait...I probably would think about it all the time...just differenly.

SIGH.

There's no right or wrong way to go here.  I don't do well with grey areas...I'm a black and white kind of person.

But I just want one more baby.  That's it.  That's all I need.  More would be a blessing, of course, but I feel I need one more.  One more baby to completely dote upon so I can (try to) get my desire for a baby out of my system.  Yes, I always said I would be happy with just one...and then I got two...so I'm hoping it's not bad to say I need one more.  Not that I have any control over it.  I can say whatever I want but it's up to God.  I have a hard time giving control up.  Even to God.  Sigh.  You would think that I would be better at this by now.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.  If only pee sticks weren't so darn expensive!

Until I know the result I feel stuck in a rut.  I feel that I can't think about the future at all because it's a big cloud of unknown.  I hate that.

Anyways, I was hoping typing out this entry would give me a sense of clarity over what I should do...but it totally hasn't.  Maybe I should just wait the six more days until my bloodwork.  But six days is a long time still...