Looking Ahead

I called Genesis Fertility today.  Yes, it's only been six days, but who knows what sort of procedures and/or waiting list they have right now.  I was nervous to leave my message for the nurses explaining what has all happened, but even more nervous when they called me back five minutes ago.

The nurse was super nice (they all are, so it shouldn't be a surprise), and what she told me is exactly what I expected.

As soon as I get my next period (probably August/September some time) I have to call in to book a hysteroscopy.  Little does everyone know that I had already had one of these done in May in preparation for frozen embryo transfer in June :).  A hysteroscopy is "a form of minimally invasive surgery. The surgeon inserts a tiny telescope (hysteroscope) through the cervix into the uterus. The hysteroscope allows the surgeon to visualize the inside of the uterine cavity on a video monitor. The uterine cavity is then inspected for any abnormality. The surgeon examines the shape of the uterus, the lining of the uterus and looks for any evidence of intrauterine pathology (fibroids or polyps). The surgeon also attempts to visualize the openings to the fallopian tubes (tubal ostia)."  It's really not a big deal at all, although the last time I had it done I think the nurses thought I was crazy for not having moral support with me.  Given that the hysteroscopy goes well (and the results are the same as last time, having a uterus as "beautiful as a panoramic photo" according to the doctor), then we will be allowed to proceed with the frozen embryo transfer with my following cycle.  Fingers crossed!!!

We're coming to get you little Matthew and little Kayla!  (Well, only one of you...the other will have to wait until next time!).  Not too much longer!

The Last 24 Hours...

...seem like a blur.  In a good way, I guess.  I feel like I've completely moved on from the events of yesterday, and life is carrying on like normal.  It doesn't even seem real to me that I was pregnant yesterday, but now am not.  I feel like I wasn't even pregnant.  It's weird.  I guess it helps that I wasn't far enough along for us to make any purchases/changes for the baby.  Life just continues.

I spent 3 hours in the ER today getting a follow-up ultrasound done and then waiting for the doctor to review it and discuss it to me.  Luckily I was prepared with a puzzle book, some food, and some water, so the time passed fairly quickly.  I was told that my uterus is emptied, so I didn't need a D&C.  

Maybe my grieving is less because I can look forward to using our frozen embryos, which will have scheduled appointments and transfer dates, rather than the unknown of "will we be pregnant this month or next month or the month after" etc.  

Or maybe it's just because I'm not an overly-emotional person.

Either way, I'm glad that we've moved on and look forward to what the next months bring.

**The only thing I don't like thinking about is the fact that my baby was alive in the morning, and then dead by the evening.  I wish we could know what went wrong...** 

GONE

The threatened miscarriage turned out to be a complete miscarriage, just as I suspected it would.  My pain and bleeding was increasing throughout the day, so at 7pm Jon called 8-1-1 to see what the nurses recommended we did - wait it out at home or go to emergency?  They told us to follow our doctor's orders and go to emergency.  I packed up Matthew and Kayla's things so that they could stay the night at my parents (their first sleepover, and my first night away from them!  Ironically, I was just thinking the other day how I had never been apart from them overnight), and Jon and I headed out.  We got to emergency at 7:30, and were sent home at 10:00pm.  In that time I had my vitals taken twice, blood work, an attempt to produce a urine sample (LOL I couldn't pee for the life of me!), an ultrasound, and a needle because I have Rh- blood.  We did a LOT of waiting.  Luckily I have a high pain tolerance because I was definitely not comfortable.  The other patients must have thought I was nuts, shaking my foot while sitting there...for me, movement distracts me from pain.  Anyways, during the ultrasound the doctor said he saw no sign of a baby so he really questioned me as to if my family doctor had actually seen it earlier in the day.  I told him I saw it with my own eyes, and even the heart beating.  He was shocked.  He said that either a) the pregnancy was ectopic (which it wasn't because I had seen the baby in my uterus in the ultrasound, or b) my dates were wrong and it was an early pregnancy (which I knew definitely was not the case) or c) I had already passed the baby.  I was pretty relieved to know that I had been through the worst of it because I must have passed it.  The doctor said that there is still a lot of tissue to expel, so it's not over yet.  I'm hoping I'll be done by tomorrow as this seems to have gone quite quickly.  Maybe future labours (which hopefully there will be, one day!) will be quick too?  


I think I'm doing really well, considering all that I've been through today.  I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that God knows exactly what he's doing, and allows for everything to happen for a reason...but it's hard.  One minute I can think/talk about the miscarriage just fine...and the next minute I get teary eyed about it.  Oh well, I'll get over it.  One of the girls whose blog I follow is just a few weeks ahead of what I was, and she just found out that she has an antibody that will have a terrible affect on her baby.  That made me grateful that that wasn't us.  (But then again, God knows what he's doing, right?).  


Anyways, I should think about getting to bed.  I need to be rested so that I can show Matthew and Kayla some extra loving tomorrow.  Definitely thankful for those two, tonight!  Can't complain when I've been blessed with two great children already :)

Threatened Miscarriage

Scary time over here in the Struik household.  I started lightly spotting/bleeding and had mild  cramping last night  that carried over to the morning so I called in sick to work and made an appointment to see my family doctor right away (I'm in the process of being referred to an OB-GYN, but not quite there yet so that's why it's still my family doctor).  Anyways, the doctor wasn't quite sure what to make of my symptoms and decided to take me over to his Laser & Skin Care clinic because they have an ultrasound machine they use there when doing work with leg veins.  It was an older machine, but he found the baby, and the baby's heart was beating away, so he's classified me as having a "threatened miscarriage" right now.  Thank goodness we weren't able to go camping with Jon's family so that we would be close to my doctor and then comforts of home!  Some things are meant to be.  I've been told to take it easy and rest, so I've put myself on bed (couch) rest for the next while.  My mom will take the kids in the morning until Jon is done teaching summer school at noon, and then he takes over from there.  Meanwhile, I just lay on the couch and do nothing.  Boring!  It's only been half a day and I'm already going nuts.  Poor Jon - he has to tend to my wants/needs as well as Matthew and Kayla's.  I've googled everything there is to do with threatened miscarriages and have concluded that I have a 50/50 chance of keeping this baby.  If the bleeding/cramping gets worse, then I need to see my family doctor again ASAP, or go to emergency if it's during the night.  If it gets better, then I'll go to my ultrasound that had already been booked for August 1st (8 days away).  It's going to be a looooooong week I think.  I just keep telling myself that this is not in my hands at all...there's nothing I can do...it's God's will that will be done now...but it's hard none-the-less.

16 Months Old!

Matthew:

• weighs 20 lb 12 oz.  He caught up quite a bit to Kayla these past two months...which confirms my suspicion that he went through a growth spurt.
• Recognizes when an airplane is flying overhead and points to it
• is almost walking - he won't go himself, but if you encourage him to he'll go
• loves throwing toys through the baby gate and down the stairs...or through the deck spindles and onto the grass ...or through the front window and onto the grass
• learned how to play "Peek A Boo"
• will stick out his tongue if you ask him to
• loves jumping up and down in his crib (holding onto the railing).  He usually spends 5-10 minutes jumping before he falls asleep
• loves the green sand shovel.  You would think that it was the only shovel we own...but they have 8, I think.  Thanks, Michelle, for only giving one green shovel for their birthday...this toy is a constant source of fighting and tears!   :)
• LOVES blueberries.  I think he ate 30 for snack today?  He ate so many the other day that his poop was blue.
• enjoys all fruits
• sometimes forgets to swallow his food, but keeps adding more to his mouth, resulting in a packed mouthful of half-chewed food that he can no longer swallow.  If he's stubborn I have to dig it out with my finger...but most often he will spit it out into my hand if I put it by his mouth.
• gets eaten alive by mosquitoes
• is really good at giving (open-mouthed) kisses
• likes to hit me because I pretend-yelp in response.  Not a good thing to start, I know.
• is always the first one awake in the morning.  He just lays there for a bit, talking, and then eventually stands up and waits for someone to get him.
• would carry around a small ball or round rock in his hand all day if he could

Kayla:

• weighs 21 lb 11 oz
• loves throwing toys through the baby gate and down the stairs...or through the deck spindles and onto the grass...or through the front window and onto the grass
• mimics everything I do.  She'll pick up a dish cloth and wipe her mouth or will wipe tables and the floor
• mimics everything I do, but to Matthew.  She'll pick up a dish cloth and wipe his mouth.  Matthew dumped sand on his shoulder this afternoon so I brushed it off.  Kayla purposely dumped sand on Matthew's shoulder so that she could brush it off.  I took off his shoes this evening, dumped out the sand, and then brushed off his socks.  Kayla then started to brush off his socks.  I put my hand by Matthew's mouth so that he would spit out his food.  Kayla then puts her hand by his mouth.
• loves grabbing my brush off on the bathroom counter and brushing everyone's hair.  Poor Matthew gets whacked on the head everytime Kayla tries to brush his hair.
• eats best when she can feed herself.  I've given up on fighting with her over eating.  If she won't eat, then she doesn't get to eat.  I don't force it any more.  She was only eating a bite or two for breakfast for about a week, until I gave her her own spoon to use as well.  While she's scooping herself a bite of oatmeal cereal, I sneak a bite into her mouth.  Works like a charm.  
• loves frozen peas.
• started talking differently this week...it's like an alien language.  Super cute.
• gives really good hugs
• is always the last one awake, whether it be in the morning or from a nap
• always has to hand you everything in her crib, one by one, when she wakes up

Matthew's Standing....Kinda

Yesterday we celebrated Oma Bomhof's 80th birthday with a huge family get together at Abbotsford Christian School (Elementary).  The weather was perfect!  The older kids enjoyed a 100ft long slip 'n' slide down the huge hill...Matthew and Kayla even got a couple runs down with Jon!  We spent a lot of time at the playground.  Kayla has now mastered the "big kid" swing, holding on all by herself!

While we were at the "little kids" playground, I was watching Kayla climb up the slide structure to go down the slide, when Jon suddenly called my attention to Matthew, who was standing all by himself!  He would stand up, crouch down to pick up some gravel, stand up again, crouch down again, etc.  I was so proud!  I tried to get him to show my parents this afternoon, but he wouldn't.  Matthew, Kayla, and I spent some time just before dinner collecting the walnuts that are falling from our front tree.  I was walking along with Matthew, and then when he would squat down to pick one up I would let go of his hand so that he would stand up himself, and he did!  He did it quite a few times.  Looks like he'll be walking before Penticton (he better be, for his own happiness!!).

Thoughts

**I typed this entry out on June 4th, but never posted it due to the "complainy-ness" of it...I was a little embarrassed after I typed it, but knew that once I typed out my thoughts, my brain would stop working and would let me sleep.  Little did I know I was 4.5 weeks pregnant at the time...**

It's 10:30pm and I'm not even close to being tired...so I figured there was no point in going to bed.  My evenings are getting too 'easy' now.  Matthew and Kayla go to bed at 8:00pm and fall asleep instantly (knock on wood), and then I'm left with a few hours to do whatever I want, which, for the last few evenings, has been wasted on the internet, blog stalking and pressing refresh on my facebook home page to see if anyone had updated in the last few minutes.  Sad, I know.  When I have nothing to do my thoughts also begin wandering, thinking about the future and disliking how it's so unknown.  How is it ever going to be possible for us to afford a place nearby, ideally on only one income?  Will we have more kids?  When?  How?

I put away more of Matthew and Kayla's outgrown clothing tonight.  Some of it, the 'less-cute' stuff, I'm eager to put away.  The 'cute' stuff, on the other-hand, is actually quite sad to put away.  Will I ever open those boxes again?  When?  And will it be for me?  Or will it be to pass the clothes on?  I really do hate the unknown.  I've always disliked not having a plan.  And now I'm being taught (again!) that it's God who holds the plan for my life...not me.  I don't know if I'll ever learn to fully be at peace with that, or if I will always have a bit of anger towards it.

I picked up my prescriptions in preparation for our frozen embryo transfer cycle.  I can't believe that this will start sometime this week.  I feel like I've been trying to not think about it too much...but having the prescription makes it more real.  And more scary.  I'm trying not to think about it at all, and just trying to carry on like every other day, but it's hard.  And I can only imagine how much more difficult it's going to be as soon as we start.

10 Weeks

I feel amazing.  If it weren't for my 'fattier' midsection, I don't think I would realize I'm pregnant.  This is actually a bit scary for me.

I've been following along with my entries from my pregnancy with Matthew and Kayla, and have found that my pregnancy (thus far) is very similar...just my symptoms are not as extreme.  I guess that would make sense, considering it's only one child this time (we're assuming...)...but it causes me to be more nervous than before.

I don't get nauseous any more.  I'm not quite as hungry as I was last week.   I was actually quite grateful when I woke up the other morning at 6am because I was hungry, although Jon didn't appreciate me trying to pull a couple graham crackers out of the package, while in bed.  I told him it was payback for every time I wake up to his alarm clock being snoozed.  I'm sleeping much better...I haven't woken up in the middle of the night lately.  Because I'm sleeping much better, I'm not nearly as tired.  I usually go to bed at 10pm, and then make sure my light is out by 10:30, so I usually get a good eight hours of sleep.  


I'm trying to be careful in not lifting too much (which is different than last time because my Mom wouldn't even let me carry a jug of milk then!)...so I try not to carry Matthew and Kayla at the same time, if I can help it.


I think that's it?  I just called to book my first ultrasound...which will be on August 1st.  I'm quite excited that Dr. Shah requested a first trimester ultrasound...so that means I'll get two for this pregnancy!  I was only expecting one!

9 Weeks

I've had a difficult time mustering up the desire (courage?) to make an entry for pregnancy #2.  Maybe it's because once I've blogged about it, then there's no turning back emotionally, whether this pregnancy works out or not?  I have a huge fear of getting emotionally vested into this pregnancy, and then having a miscarriage.  I cannot wait until I'm in the second trimester and then I can breathe a little easier again.  Anyways, in all fairness to child #3 who has yet to have an entry...here we go!


I'm feeling good.  I've noticed this past week that I'm definitely more tired, so I try to have at least one short nap a day while Matthew and Kayla are napping, and I try to be in bed by 10pm.  I only get a little nauseous if I haven't eaten in the last couple hours.  Like my pregnancy with Matthew and Kayla, I crave salty foods.  That was actually one of my very first symptoms, although I didn't clue into it until after we found out I was pregnant.  I realized I had eaten chips a couple times that week, while my chocolate-covered blueberries just sat on the counter untouched.  Usually it's the other way around.  I just finished some BBQ Crispers and had bacon and eggs for breakfast so my salty cravings are still there.


I've gained about 3 pounds so far.  I'm definitely showing quicker with this pregnancy than with Matthew and Kayla.  Luckily, I show much more in the evening so my colleagues haven't figured it out  yet (I don't think!).  


I'm having really crappy sleeps at night.  It's not uncommon for me to be awake five times a night.  I get out to do pee (and sometimes eat) during one of the times, but the other times I just toss and turn trying to find a cool spot in the bed.  It's been really sunny the past week, so I'm feeling extra warm all the time.  It's gross.  Not to mention the fact that I can't take an allergy pill so some days I'm a complete wreck due to my constant sneezing.  Oh well, the allergy season is almost over.


I had a doctor's appointment yesterday to confirm the pregnancy and to get requisitions for bloodwork and ultrasounds.