Thoughts

**I typed this entry out on June 4th, but never posted it due to the "complainy-ness" of it...I was a little embarrassed after I typed it, but knew that once I typed out my thoughts, my brain would stop working and would let me sleep.  Little did I know I was 4.5 weeks pregnant at the time...**

It's 10:30pm and I'm not even close to being tired...so I figured there was no point in going to bed.  My evenings are getting too 'easy' now.  Matthew and Kayla go to bed at 8:00pm and fall asleep instantly (knock on wood), and then I'm left with a few hours to do whatever I want, which, for the last few evenings, has been wasted on the internet, blog stalking and pressing refresh on my facebook home page to see if anyone had updated in the last few minutes.  Sad, I know.  When I have nothing to do my thoughts also begin wandering, thinking about the future and disliking how it's so unknown.  How is it ever going to be possible for us to afford a place nearby, ideally on only one income?  Will we have more kids?  When?  How?

I put away more of Matthew and Kayla's outgrown clothing tonight.  Some of it, the 'less-cute' stuff, I'm eager to put away.  The 'cute' stuff, on the other-hand, is actually quite sad to put away.  Will I ever open those boxes again?  When?  And will it be for me?  Or will it be to pass the clothes on?  I really do hate the unknown.  I've always disliked not having a plan.  And now I'm being taught (again!) that it's God who holds the plan for my life...not me.  I don't know if I'll ever learn to fully be at peace with that, or if I will always have a bit of anger towards it.

I picked up my prescriptions in preparation for our frozen embryo transfer cycle.  I can't believe that this will start sometime this week.  I feel like I've been trying to not think about it too much...but having the prescription makes it more real.  And more scary.  I'm trying not to think about it at all, and just trying to carry on like every other day, but it's hard.  And I can only imagine how much more difficult it's going to be as soon as we start.